Knowledge is wine and flowers, like attracts like, Citizen Kane was a moron

Ensconced in the secure bosom of 12 units, I have reentered college as a desperate last step; this is the first time I have ever seen it so; I always had other options (I guess even now I could take four college courses and become a fireman probie or no classes and join Border Patrol at will) but my point is; I was driven to this by a failure to successfully transition to federal guard work as I desired with my enhanced security certifications; they didn't do shit for me and I was like, why not just get my fucking degrees and move on past all this petty poor man's life bullshit?

I saw it so clearly, I don't think I ever saw it before, it's odd to me that I feel motivated now but not to the same degree before, when the same problem has faced me since I exited the army.

Which is a long way to explain how I am having fun in my courses. This too is not unusual, but what is unusual is that something always has gone wrong by this point (about a month into my studies. I get fascinated by some game, I start grinding away at some MMORPG, I begin to write on a RPG to bring veracity to it and make it the best damn game my players have ever faced; I join some worldwide organization and get busy; something usually pops up and distracts me, venting my energy into another project; I don't do my homework, I don't do my readings, I slip, I fall, then I fuck up and don't even bother removing myself from the drop rolls, leaving worse marks on my permanent record. Believe me, I'm doing damage control on just such things now.

But I have finally hit some groove where what I think about without distraction is school...and my studies are having a cogent effect...the literature class is feeding my Film class, the African Psychology class is feeting my literature class, the Political Science class is feeding everything.

I tell you something else; it is not a change that I am in an honors english course, but this class is a combination of fairly good latin students who already are familiar with paradigms of latin literature, and honor students who could mentally work a lump of coal into something credible for an A if they needed to.

Tonight, I was in a classroom study group with a circle of women ranging from average but cute to literally world class model hot; a long haired blond drink of cold irish water, a beautiful former international model of black and mixed race, a russian emigre of pale gothic dreams and true blond hair with a style from the 1950s with electric blue eyes--and me!!
I had a surreal sensation...there is literally nothing these ladies can do for me I can't get at home...but criminy! What a round table!

We did what a study group does...I heard all the accents, and ideas, and they were all so brilliant I could practically see electricity crackling between any two who disagreed or fought to get their point out while someone else spoke. And I could not help nursing the thought; this is a bit more like it. My existence thus far...without my friends (who are easily brilliant) has been a world of sharing with people who lack a certain spark, whether that just be intellectual hunger, or drive...the ladies tonight showed me what a world where that spark was the rule rather than the exception might be like.

I was turned on in a way that made me sweat a little bit...was it their pheremones or was it my resolve not to stare...I don't know. I do notice when I am around intensely beautiful women, nervous energy fills me, but this was like coffee (I had a mocha earlier), free nervous energy (mostly controlled), sexual tension (lots of eye contact my god, it almost hurt to break contact with the model or the beautiful russian.

And now for some complexity. I am aware what the palsy has made of my former expressiveness. I am a bit of stone face (most people say they can't notice), and the fat levels don't reduce on both sides of my face at the same time due to inactivity on the right side. I am overweight from years of grinding on MMORPGS (my good friend Dan Fructerman warned me about reduced ability from playing MMORPGS too long, but he was right about them being awesome too.) I am 37 and greying, and I have recently cultivated a full beard. This is not the optimal physical appearance to acquire a devoted mistress with, so that's not a big worry (or joyful yet self destructive possibility.)
I fantasize about a reality where a mistress is not self destructive...I don't know if they are an affectation of another class...haven't quite figured that out yet. I suppose I will in time.
So....a hint of power resting in the association of honors...a feeling that this natural 'better' association is a result of positive seeking positive...and that for all the Wests so called wisdom about greater financial resources not necessarily equaling happiness (the Citizen Kane theory) I am finding that increasingly dumber; my friend recently entered the upper class, and she is getting ridiculously more solvent and happy. Some skeptics I have chatted with assure me that is a result of the individual's ability to find happiness; I allege that is some fine dancing around the point. Millionaires who can't find happiness seem to be either doing it wrong or are dealing with fame; fame is a unfortunate side effect of scope of resources that has nothing to do with money. A skeptical friend alleges that the same inability of the middle class to understand why the lower class won't raise themselves up out of povery is the same inability of me, Lower Class, to understand why Upper Class with money can't make themselves happy with it. All the shit they are crying about can be purchased; I think Citizen Kane was hopelessly shortsighted. Paris seems to be having a lovely time (though Ignorance is bliss and that definitely seems to be a major motivator with her.) I SOOOO prefer models who are also genius honor students.

Disclaimer: Thinking that Positive attracts Positive does not mean I forget the lessons of coming up through the lower class ranks. I will not get my degrees and suddenly find a world of nice people. People with means can be bitches too, but I do believe that those people are mere roadblocks and that I will meet less of them as I move my profession away from day to day interaction with the uneducated. The very nature of more sophisticated effect oriented interactions should itself be more harmonious; I don't expect everyone to be like the nice people I meet in college....but even getting close would be better than my previously shitty work days. People without a hope or prayer acting like it is just bullshit, pouring spoiled wine on molded paper; pointless.

I would wish this for my friends and family (maybe the good feeling, not the erotic charges) but they will have to find it for themselves; it is a elusive thing in my life thus far. Man, I really like it; it bothers me I didn't seize this earlier.